Posts Tagged ‘tired’

Each day you have to wake up and take control of your thoughts. Although it sounds pretty easy right, it is far from it.  The reason being is that you have to truly discipline yourself in this area.

I started a new role with the same company that I have been with for over 8 years. This position has truly been a difficult one. Get this; I am a perfectionist, quick learner, structured individual who needs clear direction, patience and organization to succeed in pretty much most of the things I take on in my life. This role supplies none of that, which makes me daily question my existence here, purpose and why I even chose the role in the 1st place.

With all this issues, I struggle each day to make it mentally and figuratively. My thoughts are always negative tearing me down even more to the point it is affecting my health. My stress levels are always at an extreme high. I suffer from back pain with no desire to wake up in the mornings. I have slim to no patience for my husband and children and very snappy with my peers.

I had to slap myself literally back into my Spiritual Reality and remind myself who my Father is and where my Faith lies. This was a true wakeup call! God reminded me that he is still in control and sees the Big picture. More so he is the orchestra of the Big Picture. Yes I see nothing but confusion and disorganization here, but he sees something oh so different.

I have tried daily to take on this role and view it in the eyes of the Lord. And he views me in every situation as a Success and that I will be. More so I prayed for this job and he Blessed me with it. (Proverbs 16:3 – Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.)

What helps me daily are the following:

  • Every morning, I look at this yearly devotional (got it for Christmas) that stands next to my alarm clock with scriptures reminding me of what God says to and about me daily.
  • I bought a journal from Target called the Bucket List. I write my feelings down every day to avoid becoming overwhelmed by them. It allows me to write my passions, hopes and fears (this helps a lot!!!)
  • Prayer daily and throughout the day
  • Speak God’s word to myself aloud and within
  • Draw pictures (funny but love this – visual picture of myself conquering and overcoming) of how I want to feel and what I want to accomplish daily
  • Write out my exact feelings (Happy, Productive etc.) that I want to feel and write a scripture to back it up
  • When I struggle and I will – simply remind yourself of who your Father is and that he has your back

Verse of choice

II Corinthians 12:9 – My Grace is Sufficient for thee: for my Strength is made Perfect in Weakness.

 

Yesterday was a struggle for me. I thought that I was just physically tired, but soon began to realize that I was actually emotionally drained which impacted my whole being. While at work, I just didn’t really want to be bothered by anyone. I knew that what I was feeling was not of God and that it was a crack that Satan could enter to use against me. I decided not today!

So I got up and went into our game room at the office and began to pray and read about God’s love. When I walked out I felt so much better. I knew that familiar place, but this time I knew a remedy for it and it was to turn to God and not myself. I began to remind myself of His love and how he still loves me when I am acting like this and how he still wants to bless me more than I could dream!

I was reminded by the Spirit that I needed to constantly bath in the love of God and his teachings. As this is the only way that I could withstand those difficulty times. I am reminded that I must feast on God daily. Taste his new manna every morning. He has to stay apart of my daily routine because without him, I will fall back into my old ways. And this I do not want because in him I have been set free and I want to say free indeed!

One thing that I have learned in my spiritual walk with God is – when you have not feasted on him in a while, your body (God) will certainly remind you. It’s like your body goes into starvation mode feasting on any and everything it finds – whether its reality shows, other people’s drama, bad/negative music or thoughts that are not of God. Leaving you to feel empty! I am a witness to this because I have felt this way after I have feasted on those unhealthy things – so much so my body and spirit gets so weak that I have to turn back to God – and feast on those things that are pure and lovely (healthy food) – those things that will build me up and not break me down – those things that will keep my foundation strong when the wind blows!

****Philippians 4:8-9  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.****

 

madAnother trying week or week in a half, whichever….

I have struggled with Fear, Sadness, Anger, Conviction, Confusion and the list goes on.

It’s like I am trying to be Right.  The Christian I need to be.  I am trying to be Strong and to allow my Faith Keep Me.  But it seems like my Faith gets tested in so many angles – which makes me wonder if my Faith is strong enough to withstand or if I even have Faith at all.  From watching the news and its constant content of Ebola and the potential outbreak – to my baby girl getting sick (not with Ebola an ear infection – but still the unknown and potential scared me) – to it coming to my house – to my own struggles physically and emotionally.

Geesh, this has been a trying week or week in a half for me.  It’s like I just can’t get right or get it right or be right!  I really try!   Lord knows I do, but it’s so hard being a Christian! What is being a Christian, I wonder?!  Sorry, I am venting a bit!  I try and try, but it seems like I keep failing!  I thought it would be easy, but it seems like it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.  Yea I look at TV and watch Christian folk videos and yea they look happy.  Doing this to help people, giving, smiling and acting as though they don’t have a worry in the word.  Why do I feel like I am the only one who is struggling to walk this walk?  Are these people lying with their fake smiles, warm hugs or could they know something I don’t.  If they do, please tell me because I am at a lost for words and actions!  Sometimes I want to give up and just give in!  I want to throw in the towel sometimes because it just gets overwhelming. When I move forward, it seems like I am being pushed backwards.  I am so lost!  And Lord knows, I want to be found!  But I don’t know if what I am doing is enough!

Ugh….!!!!!!!!!!!  My Truth!!  The Good!  The Bad!  And The Ugly!  “Fighting for my Life” right now….

Scum Pile we met again……

However I refuse to just let go and die in Sin or lose the Faith that I do have….Lord I am holding on by a thread!

 

I had to come back to post this.  God is always on time and knows my heart so much. And listens to my cry and I am so glad that I can be honest with him and explode my true feelings on him without his judgement.  So, after I posted this..a friend of mine who knows nothing about my blog or how I feel texted me this

“Don’t be afraid of your flaws; acknowledge them and let God use you anyway.  Quit Worrying about what you’re not and give God what you are.”  Amen!  This was so needed! Praise God for using others to show me how much he loves me and wants this relationship with me just as much as I do!

 

Today I experienced major growth and received my breakthrough that I am so excited about!   So much so that I was walking around work smiling cheek to cheek.  For this past few months, I have been on a journey like no other.  A journey that I have attempted to travel alone so many times and simply landed back at that familiar place I told you about in my 2nd post “If God says I am Good, then why do I feel like Scum” – my scum pile.

I have been in deep, constant prayer and seeking the Word of God frequently to tackle this defect (that’s what I call it) of mine that I have had for most of my life.  Most people don’t know this about me, but I get so offended by everything – looking at me wrong, saying the wrong thing, not complimenting me, not saying hi or goodbye, not recognizing me, not doing the dishes, or whatever one does that could tick me off.  Sounds crazy, I know!  But that was me and I hated it!

I started to feel like it was so hard to live this life in a normal way.  Always thinking what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just brush it off and keep it moving? Why do I have to take every single thing/statement so personally and to heart?  Why do I allow the thoughts, opinions and statements of others tear me done?  Why do I allow them to control my mood, actions and even health – health meaning causing me stress – which could soon lead to high blood pressure, heart attack and then maybe death? (A little dramatic I know, but this is real when you are allowing others to continuously speak things into and on you and you simply load it into that bag back of yours and keep stuffing and stuffing until you face is touching the ground).

Well, as I said early, I have been on this new journey, but the only thing different this time is that I am not alone.  I have my father God on this path with me.  As I write, I am reminded of the scripture, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil.  For thy are with me, thy rod and staff the comfort me” (Psalms 23:4).  Thank God for being with me because this has been a scary and hard journey for me.  I do not have to fear the unknown – the evils that are lurking to devour me because my God is with me and he will protect me physically and mentally.

God has showed me that offense is a trick of Satan and that this is something that I needed to pray off and away from me daily.  And I have done just that.  However, it is easier to say than do, especially when this has grown so deep in you and that root is so strong and wide.  But nothing is impossible for God. “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26) Amen!!!! Thank you Lord! As I said early, I traveled this path alone with no progress.  But now, I have allowed God to be the Head (my GPS system who will never lead me wrong) and who will always reveal the best path for me.

Back to the reason why I smiled so much and hard today.  Today there were 4 distinctive incidents that happened where, I would have normally went left or sour.  They all were centered on other people and how they treated me whether in actions or in words.  Just to summarize them:  I was not included in a certain situation, a person who calls herself my friend didn’t speak to me, another individual made an observation about my hair that did not lead to a compliment, and the icing on the cake – someone posted a very disturbing video on Facebook that I hate (the video angers me the most because it is dealing with small innocent children).  Note: my Facebook is blocked because I am trying to keep my mind pure and stay focused on my journey to newness, transformation, happiness, peace, love, and kindness, lack of judgment, lack of jealousy, lack of anger, lack of sadness, no regrets and all the wonderful gifts from above.  (Facebook was a distraction to me and it kept me away from what was most important and that is and will always be my walk in Christ – Note: I don’t have anything against Facebook. I will be back on it. It’s just some things, no someone is more important right now)

The usual reaction that I would take around those incidents I told you about earlier wasn’t the normal reaction.  As I stood watching and listening to each one unfold, I felt something weird come over me – NOTHING!  I felt a sensation of NOTHING!  AMEN!!!!  What they said and did had not affect me, my mood, my thoughts, and my actions in anyway.  Because I was so in shock and did not recognize the feeling.  I sat there and saturated in it a bit thinking, wow, what is wrong with me? (Yep, there’s that question again) But this time I had a good answer for myself.  I responded with NOTHING!  There is NOTHING wrong with you Girl!  You are walking in Peace!  The Peace that God has already given you, you are not operating in it!!!!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus!!!

I got up from my desk, but not before I placed a humongous smile on my face.  I repeated to myself, you are walking in Peace!  And it sure does feel good!  I began to praise my father in heaven for this transformation that was taking place.  I began to thank him for refining and perfecting me.   My Faith became stronger instantly because only he knows how much I have prayed for this change to take place that never came.  I thank him for answering my prayers. “Ask and it will be given; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7).   And yes, I know that this is just the beginning and yes I may fall short.  However, I do know this – He is with me every step of the way and that he is going to continue to build me up until this burden is no longer mine!  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28)

Today was the day he showed me that I am on the right path!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus for transformation!