Posts Tagged ‘sad’

wolfIt’s like while you’re going through something in your life, Satan comes along to beat you down even more with his accusatory and convicting antics.  He makes you doubt your Faith, the fact that you are a Christian, your sanity and so much more. All because you are having a weak moment.  He uses our weak times as his personal playground to slip-in and mind control us.  Please do not get dismayed or psyched out by it.  Speak the word of God and remind yourself of the promises that God has told you.  Satan is lurking and waiting for the right moment to tear at us.  He uses confusion, low self-esteem, self-hate, our faults, our questioning, our anxiousness, and simply lack thereof to prove God wrong all the time. His sole purpose is to cry-wolf that God is a liar, God can’t be trusted and God doesn’t love us.  However, that is the time where we must then fight and fight hard!  Fight him with the Word of God and operate in the strength of God’s might!  God is one opponent he can’t sneak attack or win against.

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The beauty of being yourself is embracing your Truths. When you know who you are in Christ, you do not have to live up to anyone’s standards or expectations. That is awesome news today! And it just makes life so much easier! If you are quiet…embrace it! Because God made you quiet. If you are loud….! Embarrass that…because God made you like that! People may say, oh you need to be this way or that way! But those are only their opinions. God breathed life in you and gave you a piece of his identity. You were made in the image of God and the closer you get to him, his likeness and characteristics will soon become yours. Know that nothing is flawed on you when you look like God from the inside out. So I say, Love all of You because at the end of the day, you are embracing God because you are his marvelous creation.

So the next time someone says, you need to be like…..  Simply smile and say to yourself “no I am like my creator and my creator made no mistakes on me”! Hallelujah! Receive that today!

 

“Genesis 1:27 – So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”

“Genesis 1:31 – God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning–the sixth day.”

As I was sitting at my desk, shutting down my computer for the 100th time, I saw my complexion on the blue screen and thought, “I am glad to be God’s masterpiece, his beautiful work of art”. My flaws, imperfections, mental bruising, negative thoughts, bad attitude, my struggles, my downs; my bad and ugly are all part of the makeup of me.

Each day I have come to realize that all these things that I find so BAD about me, God wants to use these things for his GOOD no matter how CRAZY I think they or I am!   There is nothing to hard for God! So many things have happened in my life that has snatched away my innocence at a very young age and have caused me to build up such a hard shell.  I have struggled to invite people in – in fear that they would either leave me voluntarily or involuntarily.

I don’t trust anyone and it is hard for me to feel the authenticity of someone’s heart or words because of my own fears and trust issues.  I have been bound by this for so long and try to break loss of all these things that hold me captive and from moving forward.

What I have learned is that not only does this hard shell and wall keep me from building loving relationships, but it too destroys my relationship with Christ and how I view him.  Wow! This is an amazing revelation!  As I seek Christ daily and draw near to him, I will began to accept who I am and truly accept his Love for me.  I will understand the depth of his Love. And once I understand it, feel it, walk in it, claim it, it will be like a sweet aroma flowing from my heart, my mouth, my actions, and bathing in my thoughts constantly. (Oh I can’t wait for that moment)

I am so blessed to be God’s Masterpiece!  He made me, knew me and now he is teaching me about myself and perfecting me – my delicate parts and those things that are deeply rooted and hidden away, he his bringing them to light so that I am no longer bond by them and so that I can face them head on. (This was something I never wanted to do and thought I didn’t need to – but I have found healing in doing this)

Yes, it’s hard and hurts really bad when you have to face yourself – the real YOU.  When you look in the mirror and do not like who is staring back at you.  But today, I saw a new creature when I saw myself on that blue screen. I saw who I was and who God has made me to be. And each day I will walk in that and not in what my past, present, future, I, family, friends, enemies or even Satan says I am.

Today I experienced major growth and received my breakthrough that I am so excited about!   So much so that I was walking around work smiling cheek to cheek.  For this past few months, I have been on a journey like no other.  A journey that I have attempted to travel alone so many times and simply landed back at that familiar place I told you about in my 2nd post “If God says I am Good, then why do I feel like Scum” – my scum pile.

I have been in deep, constant prayer and seeking the Word of God frequently to tackle this defect (that’s what I call it) of mine that I have had for most of my life.  Most people don’t know this about me, but I get so offended by everything – looking at me wrong, saying the wrong thing, not complimenting me, not saying hi or goodbye, not recognizing me, not doing the dishes, or whatever one does that could tick me off.  Sounds crazy, I know!  But that was me and I hated it!

I started to feel like it was so hard to live this life in a normal way.  Always thinking what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just brush it off and keep it moving? Why do I have to take every single thing/statement so personally and to heart?  Why do I allow the thoughts, opinions and statements of others tear me done?  Why do I allow them to control my mood, actions and even health – health meaning causing me stress – which could soon lead to high blood pressure, heart attack and then maybe death? (A little dramatic I know, but this is real when you are allowing others to continuously speak things into and on you and you simply load it into that bag back of yours and keep stuffing and stuffing until you face is touching the ground).

Well, as I said early, I have been on this new journey, but the only thing different this time is that I am not alone.  I have my father God on this path with me.  As I write, I am reminded of the scripture, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil.  For thy are with me, thy rod and staff the comfort me” (Psalms 23:4).  Thank God for being with me because this has been a scary and hard journey for me.  I do not have to fear the unknown – the evils that are lurking to devour me because my God is with me and he will protect me physically and mentally.

God has showed me that offense is a trick of Satan and that this is something that I needed to pray off and away from me daily.  And I have done just that.  However, it is easier to say than do, especially when this has grown so deep in you and that root is so strong and wide.  But nothing is impossible for God. “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26) Amen!!!! Thank you Lord! As I said early, I traveled this path alone with no progress.  But now, I have allowed God to be the Head (my GPS system who will never lead me wrong) and who will always reveal the best path for me.

Back to the reason why I smiled so much and hard today.  Today there were 4 distinctive incidents that happened where, I would have normally went left or sour.  They all were centered on other people and how they treated me whether in actions or in words.  Just to summarize them:  I was not included in a certain situation, a person who calls herself my friend didn’t speak to me, another individual made an observation about my hair that did not lead to a compliment, and the icing on the cake – someone posted a very disturbing video on Facebook that I hate (the video angers me the most because it is dealing with small innocent children).  Note: my Facebook is blocked because I am trying to keep my mind pure and stay focused on my journey to newness, transformation, happiness, peace, love, and kindness, lack of judgment, lack of jealousy, lack of anger, lack of sadness, no regrets and all the wonderful gifts from above.  (Facebook was a distraction to me and it kept me away from what was most important and that is and will always be my walk in Christ – Note: I don’t have anything against Facebook. I will be back on it. It’s just some things, no someone is more important right now)

The usual reaction that I would take around those incidents I told you about earlier wasn’t the normal reaction.  As I stood watching and listening to each one unfold, I felt something weird come over me – NOTHING!  I felt a sensation of NOTHING!  AMEN!!!!  What they said and did had not affect me, my mood, my thoughts, and my actions in anyway.  Because I was so in shock and did not recognize the feeling.  I sat there and saturated in it a bit thinking, wow, what is wrong with me? (Yep, there’s that question again) But this time I had a good answer for myself.  I responded with NOTHING!  There is NOTHING wrong with you Girl!  You are walking in Peace!  The Peace that God has already given you, you are not operating in it!!!!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus!!!

I got up from my desk, but not before I placed a humongous smile on my face.  I repeated to myself, you are walking in Peace!  And it sure does feel good!  I began to praise my father in heaven for this transformation that was taking place.  I began to thank him for refining and perfecting me.   My Faith became stronger instantly because only he knows how much I have prayed for this change to take place that never came.  I thank him for answering my prayers. “Ask and it will be given; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7).   And yes, I know that this is just the beginning and yes I may fall short.  However, I do know this – He is with me every step of the way and that he is going to continue to build me up until this burden is no longer mine!  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28)

Today was the day he showed me that I am on the right path!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus for transformation!

mirrorWhen you look in the mirror, what do you see? A real question for my readers…

Brown as a tree branch swaying back and from in the wind. Two pearls that shine so brightly (my papa would say when I was a kid when he spoke of my eyes).  Cheekbones so high, you’d think I was raised by top models or born unto Indians.  Dimples on cheek to cheek – from the kissing of angels from up above.

Kinky hair twisted in locks to show my heritage and expressions of my natural beauty. Ears so tiny, yet I can hear all that needs to be heard, especially the chanting of God’s sweet Words whispering softly to me. Lips full, yet small. However, when I open my mouth, love is expressed and so is God’s Glory.

My nose is a perfect work of art – placed so beautifully you see. It was as if God designed it just for Kleenex commercials and I hope I get a gig. (JK) The only flaw I found, was a mole placed right there, right on the left side of my nose. I wondered why there? Why did God design me to have a little black mole right there for the world to see? A sign of imperfection! He must have messed up on me! I thought!

Well, Ecclesiastes 3 reminded me that everything has a purpose. Something as small as a mole on my nose has its purpose. Each creation that God made he placed a purpose in it. He was so passionate about his creations that he gave each one of us our own special mark. Nothing was created by chance, but serves a purpose in his big picture.

And in knowing that, when I look at my mole, I am constantly reminded that my imperfections are made perfect in Christ. Why? Because he took his time in molding me so beautifully and was just showing off when he added a touch of “mole” right on my nose to top off his wonderful creation.

******I would love to hear from you!!!! Tell me what is your special touch/mark that God has blessed you with and why?*****

scumYesterday, I woke up in a descent mood. Descent meaning I did not become short tempered with my husband and I didn’t yell at my kids. Now this is a decent mood for me, especially for a Sunday morning. It’s like every Sunday; I wake up with a chip on my shoulder – a chip that only appears on Sundays.

Sunday we visited my grandfather’s church where he is the pastor. My family and I were really excited about being there. While he was standing in the pulpit waiting for the service to start, I walked up to speak to him. The first thing that he says is “I see you with the red streaks in your hair.” (Note: I have a new hairstyle and added color for the first time. Also, I haven’t seen my granddad in months).

I smiled, thinking a compliment would follow (probably hoping one would). Anything from, “oh I like your hair, you look great or even a “are you losing weight” – a regular lie women tell each other. Nope, didn’t get that. What I did get is a “your face is getting wider”. I stood there confused, but in a very familiar place. I simply smiled and said “I am getting older that’s all”. He responded with “so that’s what it is” very sarcastically.

I gathered those familiar feelings, the hands of my two daughters and headed to the very back row of the church.  As I sat there listening to the sermon, well acting as though I was.  Not that I didn’t want to, but my 1-year-old daughter kept having a temper tantrum (that I have no clue on how to control or know where she gets it from; well maybe I do know where she gets it from). I went into a daze wandering about the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Looking through the congregation as they stood reciting the scripture he asked us to turn to, I floated to that familiar place I told you about earlier in the story.

A place I visit often:

Why are you so shy?

You are going to end up just like your mom (FYI: My mom is deceased)

Skeleton face

Big Feet

You’re getting fat

Why are you marrying her?

No one wants you – your father left and even though it wasn’t her choice, your mom left you too

You are a bad mom and a horrible wife

No one is going to hire you

You’re not smart enough

Are you crazy?

What is wrong with you?

I am not your real father

You think you are better than us

And the list can go on and on….Believe it or not, most of these are said by the person writing them down….ME!  I call this my scum pile.  All the things that Satan uses to remind me that I am nothing but Good!  And if he can’t get me to tell those lies to myself, he uses others in my life to say something as small as “your face is getting wider” to place me back in that scum pile where he says I came from and belong. He reminds me everyday that I am far from Good!

I forced a smile.  A victorious smile! You see I have been doing a lot of seeking God lately – from reading scriptures to Joseph Prince books and listening to a lot of Jamie Grace – her music gives me life. And from what I read and hear, it tells me I am Good!

Genesis 1:31 – Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that is was very Good!

I am learning to understand that if God said it, then it has to be true. He is my creator. He made me, this delicate, yet complicated creature that no one can duplicate or imitate as Good!

Psalms 139:13-17 – For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me,  When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Wow! That scripture speaks volumes as to how much our Heavenly Father loved us! He made this person, me to give Life to two beautiful daughters. He made this person to Love a man who admires her everyday and who she can love back authentically with the same Love she has experienced from Christ.  He made this fatherless girl his Daughter and I have accepted him as my Father and Mother.

Thank you Lord for Loving little ole me and having me! Now I can leave the scum where it is, under my feet. I can walk this Life with my Head High, My Chest stuck Out and Be Confident in Knowing Who I Am and Where I am Going.  I have found my identity in You.

And all I can say to that is AMEN!!!!