Posts Tagged ‘depressed’

God does not remember your sins from the past, today and will not remember them in the future. Simply because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross. He carried your sins on his back and died for you to have eternal life with him. And because his blood was shed for you. God sees what his son did. He sees his son’s blood covering you and all your sins. And because you believe in him. You can ask whatever you want in the son’s name and he will give it to you. “John 14:13” No matter what you have done. Start thanking him for that and stop thinking about what you have done wrong. It is not about you. It is about the Lord.

Mediate on this and receive his love today and watch him transform you from the inside out. He wants to make you brand new. You are righteous through God because of Christ Jesus. No sin that you have committed can change that.

Receive the love of God today because he first loved you. He is waiting on you because you are is beautiful child whom he adores…..His desire is for you to live a life full of abundance and in freedom. Allow him to be your rock. Allow him to be your father. Allow him to be your rest. Allow him to be your peace. He hungers for you. You are his baby and he wants to give you nourishment and life. He wants to breathe into you and pour his favour all over you and allow everything you do to be a success.

Come to Christ and allow him to be the head of your life.

 

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As I was sitting at my desk, shutting down my computer for the 100th time, I saw my complexion on the blue screen and thought, “I am glad to be God’s masterpiece, his beautiful work of art”. My flaws, imperfections, mental bruising, negative thoughts, bad attitude, my struggles, my downs; my bad and ugly are all part of the makeup of me.

Each day I have come to realize that all these things that I find so BAD about me, God wants to use these things for his GOOD no matter how CRAZY I think they or I am!   There is nothing to hard for God! So many things have happened in my life that has snatched away my innocence at a very young age and have caused me to build up such a hard shell.  I have struggled to invite people in – in fear that they would either leave me voluntarily or involuntarily.

I don’t trust anyone and it is hard for me to feel the authenticity of someone’s heart or words because of my own fears and trust issues.  I have been bound by this for so long and try to break loss of all these things that hold me captive and from moving forward.

What I have learned is that not only does this hard shell and wall keep me from building loving relationships, but it too destroys my relationship with Christ and how I view him.  Wow! This is an amazing revelation!  As I seek Christ daily and draw near to him, I will began to accept who I am and truly accept his Love for me.  I will understand the depth of his Love. And once I understand it, feel it, walk in it, claim it, it will be like a sweet aroma flowing from my heart, my mouth, my actions, and bathing in my thoughts constantly. (Oh I can’t wait for that moment)

I am so blessed to be God’s Masterpiece!  He made me, knew me and now he is teaching me about myself and perfecting me – my delicate parts and those things that are deeply rooted and hidden away, he his bringing them to light so that I am no longer bond by them and so that I can face them head on. (This was something I never wanted to do and thought I didn’t need to – but I have found healing in doing this)

Yes, it’s hard and hurts really bad when you have to face yourself – the real YOU.  When you look in the mirror and do not like who is staring back at you.  But today, I saw a new creature when I saw myself on that blue screen. I saw who I was and who God has made me to be. And each day I will walk in that and not in what my past, present, future, I, family, friends, enemies or even Satan says I am.

Today I experienced major growth and received my breakthrough that I am so excited about!   So much so that I was walking around work smiling cheek to cheek.  For this past few months, I have been on a journey like no other.  A journey that I have attempted to travel alone so many times and simply landed back at that familiar place I told you about in my 2nd post “If God says I am Good, then why do I feel like Scum” – my scum pile.

I have been in deep, constant prayer and seeking the Word of God frequently to tackle this defect (that’s what I call it) of mine that I have had for most of my life.  Most people don’t know this about me, but I get so offended by everything – looking at me wrong, saying the wrong thing, not complimenting me, not saying hi or goodbye, not recognizing me, not doing the dishes, or whatever one does that could tick me off.  Sounds crazy, I know!  But that was me and I hated it!

I started to feel like it was so hard to live this life in a normal way.  Always thinking what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just brush it off and keep it moving? Why do I have to take every single thing/statement so personally and to heart?  Why do I allow the thoughts, opinions and statements of others tear me done?  Why do I allow them to control my mood, actions and even health – health meaning causing me stress – which could soon lead to high blood pressure, heart attack and then maybe death? (A little dramatic I know, but this is real when you are allowing others to continuously speak things into and on you and you simply load it into that bag back of yours and keep stuffing and stuffing until you face is touching the ground).

Well, as I said early, I have been on this new journey, but the only thing different this time is that I am not alone.  I have my father God on this path with me.  As I write, I am reminded of the scripture, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil.  For thy are with me, thy rod and staff the comfort me” (Psalms 23:4).  Thank God for being with me because this has been a scary and hard journey for me.  I do not have to fear the unknown – the evils that are lurking to devour me because my God is with me and he will protect me physically and mentally.

God has showed me that offense is a trick of Satan and that this is something that I needed to pray off and away from me daily.  And I have done just that.  However, it is easier to say than do, especially when this has grown so deep in you and that root is so strong and wide.  But nothing is impossible for God. “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26) Amen!!!! Thank you Lord! As I said early, I traveled this path alone with no progress.  But now, I have allowed God to be the Head (my GPS system who will never lead me wrong) and who will always reveal the best path for me.

Back to the reason why I smiled so much and hard today.  Today there were 4 distinctive incidents that happened where, I would have normally went left or sour.  They all were centered on other people and how they treated me whether in actions or in words.  Just to summarize them:  I was not included in a certain situation, a person who calls herself my friend didn’t speak to me, another individual made an observation about my hair that did not lead to a compliment, and the icing on the cake – someone posted a very disturbing video on Facebook that I hate (the video angers me the most because it is dealing with small innocent children).  Note: my Facebook is blocked because I am trying to keep my mind pure and stay focused on my journey to newness, transformation, happiness, peace, love, and kindness, lack of judgment, lack of jealousy, lack of anger, lack of sadness, no regrets and all the wonderful gifts from above.  (Facebook was a distraction to me and it kept me away from what was most important and that is and will always be my walk in Christ – Note: I don’t have anything against Facebook. I will be back on it. It’s just some things, no someone is more important right now)

The usual reaction that I would take around those incidents I told you about earlier wasn’t the normal reaction.  As I stood watching and listening to each one unfold, I felt something weird come over me – NOTHING!  I felt a sensation of NOTHING!  AMEN!!!!  What they said and did had not affect me, my mood, my thoughts, and my actions in anyway.  Because I was so in shock and did not recognize the feeling.  I sat there and saturated in it a bit thinking, wow, what is wrong with me? (Yep, there’s that question again) But this time I had a good answer for myself.  I responded with NOTHING!  There is NOTHING wrong with you Girl!  You are walking in Peace!  The Peace that God has already given you, you are not operating in it!!!!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus!!!

I got up from my desk, but not before I placed a humongous smile on my face.  I repeated to myself, you are walking in Peace!  And it sure does feel good!  I began to praise my father in heaven for this transformation that was taking place.  I began to thank him for refining and perfecting me.   My Faith became stronger instantly because only he knows how much I have prayed for this change to take place that never came.  I thank him for answering my prayers. “Ask and it will be given; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7).   And yes, I know that this is just the beginning and yes I may fall short.  However, I do know this – He is with me every step of the way and that he is going to continue to build me up until this burden is no longer mine!  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28)

Today was the day he showed me that I am on the right path!  Hallelujah!  Thank you Jesus for transformation!

mirrorWhen you look in the mirror, what do you see? A real question for my readers…

Brown as a tree branch swaying back and from in the wind. Two pearls that shine so brightly (my papa would say when I was a kid when he spoke of my eyes).  Cheekbones so high, you’d think I was raised by top models or born unto Indians.  Dimples on cheek to cheek – from the kissing of angels from up above.

Kinky hair twisted in locks to show my heritage and expressions of my natural beauty. Ears so tiny, yet I can hear all that needs to be heard, especially the chanting of God’s sweet Words whispering softly to me. Lips full, yet small. However, when I open my mouth, love is expressed and so is God’s Glory.

My nose is a perfect work of art – placed so beautifully you see. It was as if God designed it just for Kleenex commercials and I hope I get a gig. (JK) The only flaw I found, was a mole placed right there, right on the left side of my nose. I wondered why there? Why did God design me to have a little black mole right there for the world to see? A sign of imperfection! He must have messed up on me! I thought!

Well, Ecclesiastes 3 reminded me that everything has a purpose. Something as small as a mole on my nose has its purpose. Each creation that God made he placed a purpose in it. He was so passionate about his creations that he gave each one of us our own special mark. Nothing was created by chance, but serves a purpose in his big picture.

And in knowing that, when I look at my mole, I am constantly reminded that my imperfections are made perfect in Christ. Why? Because he took his time in molding me so beautifully and was just showing off when he added a touch of “mole” right on my nose to top off his wonderful creation.

******I would love to hear from you!!!! Tell me what is your special touch/mark that God has blessed you with and why?*****

shutupPound – Pound – Pound is the sound of my 9 in half dark pink, white and black Nikes hitting the pavement.  Tonight was my track night.  I was lightly jogging along at this near by middle school track around the corner from my house.  I enjoy this alone time.  I take this time to talk to God and to cleanse my mind.

“Breathe in, breathe out, you can do it…keep running…don’t stop…you got this”…oh yeah, that’s me self-motivating as I ran faster and faster around the track.  As it gets darker out, I noticed that more and more people were still coming.  It’s like 7:45 PM.  As I run, I saw something ahead of me, some sort of figure, larger than I.  I watched it as I ran from fast to slow to eventually walking – wondering why I couldn’t shake this figure.

What I saw, well…, I didn’t like!  One because it was weird looking and two it was way larger than me.  It made me very nervous.  As I walked along looking around at the passersby, trying to see if they saw what I saw, I noticed that no one did.  Each individual were too caught up doing their workout routines or just enjoying each others company.

Far off, I saw a young woman stretching, an older couple holding hands while speed walking.  There were children riding their bikes and even playing in the sandbox (that I occasionally let my 4-year-old play in).  Everyone was minding their business. No one saw this distorted figure in front of me.

It wouldn’t leave me alone!  So I stopped walking.  I stared at it and it back at me. I spoke first “ugh, it’s you again”.  No response came from it.  It simply peered up at me. I looked closer and noticed that it was imitating me.  When I turned my head, it too turned.  When I raised my arm, it did the same.  I became frustrated and annoyed with it.  It spoke up to me quietly “you look so fat.  Yea, you thought you were losing weight, but your not!”

At that moment it was a battle of the wills!  I wanted to turn around, walk back to my car and yell “what’s the freaking use, its right it’s no point in me working out, the weight is not falling off”.  So I did just that, I walked…but instead to my car, I began to walk another lap around the track.  Guess who followed me, you guessed it, that figure.  It stuck to me like glue and kept chanting its negative comments up at me.   It got so bad that I stopped again and for the last time.

I looked down at my SHADOW and said, YOU CAN’T WIN!  So follow me all you want, but you will not control me any more. Your appearance!  Your lies!  Have no place here anymore!  I will not be fooled by you anymore!

I was reminded of Ecclesiastes 9:11 – “I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”

I ran faster than I have ever run.  Yes, she was still there, but instead of her controlling me, I controlled her and her mouth too.  Tunes of “It’s a beautiful day” by Jamie Grace played through my headset echoing in my ears as I ran into the darkness….

All I can say to that is AMEN!!!

 

scumYesterday, I woke up in a descent mood. Descent meaning I did not become short tempered with my husband and I didn’t yell at my kids. Now this is a decent mood for me, especially for a Sunday morning. It’s like every Sunday; I wake up with a chip on my shoulder – a chip that only appears on Sundays.

Sunday we visited my grandfather’s church where he is the pastor. My family and I were really excited about being there. While he was standing in the pulpit waiting for the service to start, I walked up to speak to him. The first thing that he says is “I see you with the red streaks in your hair.” (Note: I have a new hairstyle and added color for the first time. Also, I haven’t seen my granddad in months).

I smiled, thinking a compliment would follow (probably hoping one would). Anything from, “oh I like your hair, you look great or even a “are you losing weight” – a regular lie women tell each other. Nope, didn’t get that. What I did get is a “your face is getting wider”. I stood there confused, but in a very familiar place. I simply smiled and said “I am getting older that’s all”. He responded with “so that’s what it is” very sarcastically.

I gathered those familiar feelings, the hands of my two daughters and headed to the very back row of the church.  As I sat there listening to the sermon, well acting as though I was.  Not that I didn’t want to, but my 1-year-old daughter kept having a temper tantrum (that I have no clue on how to control or know where she gets it from; well maybe I do know where she gets it from). I went into a daze wandering about the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Looking through the congregation as they stood reciting the scripture he asked us to turn to, I floated to that familiar place I told you about earlier in the story.

A place I visit often:

Why are you so shy?

You are going to end up just like your mom (FYI: My mom is deceased)

Skeleton face

Big Feet

You’re getting fat

Why are you marrying her?

No one wants you – your father left and even though it wasn’t her choice, your mom left you too

You are a bad mom and a horrible wife

No one is going to hire you

You’re not smart enough

Are you crazy?

What is wrong with you?

I am not your real father

You think you are better than us

And the list can go on and on….Believe it or not, most of these are said by the person writing them down….ME!  I call this my scum pile.  All the things that Satan uses to remind me that I am nothing but Good!  And if he can’t get me to tell those lies to myself, he uses others in my life to say something as small as “your face is getting wider” to place me back in that scum pile where he says I came from and belong. He reminds me everyday that I am far from Good!

I forced a smile.  A victorious smile! You see I have been doing a lot of seeking God lately – from reading scriptures to Joseph Prince books and listening to a lot of Jamie Grace – her music gives me life. And from what I read and hear, it tells me I am Good!

Genesis 1:31 – Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that is was very Good!

I am learning to understand that if God said it, then it has to be true. He is my creator. He made me, this delicate, yet complicated creature that no one can duplicate or imitate as Good!

Psalms 139:13-17 – For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me,  When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Wow! That scripture speaks volumes as to how much our Heavenly Father loved us! He made this person, me to give Life to two beautiful daughters. He made this person to Love a man who admires her everyday and who she can love back authentically with the same Love she has experienced from Christ.  He made this fatherless girl his Daughter and I have accepted him as my Father and Mother.

Thank you Lord for Loving little ole me and having me! Now I can leave the scum where it is, under my feet. I can walk this Life with my Head High, My Chest stuck Out and Be Confident in Knowing Who I Am and Where I am Going.  I have found my identity in You.

And all I can say to that is AMEN!!!!

 

 

Today 2 Corinthians 10:5 ran through my head “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

No one warned me as to how much of a fight it would be to keep my mind pure from the thoughts that once hunted me throughout my entire life. Let’s be honest earlier this week. Today started like no other, got up early as I normally do about 4am, drove to work and ended up at cubicle 2916 as I have done for over 2 years. From what I thought, I was pretty normal; except for a weird, yet scary dream I had that night. I won’t get into details about it.

As I sat at my desk preparing for the day, my coworkers were indulged in their YouTube funnies. They were laughing, joking and just being their normal selves. However, I started to feel an old emotion tapping at my left shoulder reminding me of how much they annoy me each day and their fakeness! As that feeling was knocking, another tap occurred on my right shoulder and then another and another. And before I knew it, frustration, irritation, anger, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and anxiety were all dancing around me trying to figure out who would jump in or get invited in first.

Within almost an instant, hopelessness began to ease its sneaky emotion in first. I felt the word “hope” moving in and waiting right behind its sneaky little suffix “lessness” trying to creep its way in too. However, at the moment, I did something different. The old me would have said, come on in, sit with me, devour me. But this day, I went to Youtube and found Mandisa Overcomer song. As I listened, I went to my emergency kit saved in my Favorites on my computer. It’s a blog that I go to from time to time that has very powerful scriptures that speak to my heart.

http://www.mymomlife.com/blog/my-spiritual-life/motivation-encouragement-bible-verses/

As I read each scripture and rocked to Overcomer, I began to feel hopelessness being forced out and taking its little minions with it. I got up from my desk and walked to the restroom. As I was walking, I felt like I had been in a boxing match. I thought “why is it such a fight to keep your mind pure and at peace. No one warned me that it would be a fight. It’s like every day, minute, and second a negative emotion is waiting to take me down and I have to literal fight to keep myself positive and at peace. Literal, I have to “Fight for my Life”!  The life that God said that he came to give me in John 10:10 – The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

As I was doing my business in the restroom, 2 Corinthians 10:5 came to mind “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” It was like someone hit me in the head with a baseball. I thought “Wow, so it is like we are in a boxing ring trying to protect our thoughts. We are protecting our hearts and minds from the tricks of Satan and in order to protect ourselves, we must fight and that means taking down every thought, capturing it and hitting it with what the Word of God says.

Once I realized this, I left out of that restroom with a new found joy in knowing that God has my back and I am not fighting my battles, but the Lord is….All I can say to that is Amen!!!!