Posts Tagged ‘christianity’

scumYesterday, I woke up in a descent mood. Descent meaning I did not become short tempered with my husband and I didn’t yell at my kids. Now this is a decent mood for me, especially for a Sunday morning. It’s like every Sunday; I wake up with a chip on my shoulder – a chip that only appears on Sundays.

Sunday we visited my grandfather’s church where he is the pastor. My family and I were really excited about being there. While he was standing in the pulpit waiting for the service to start, I walked up to speak to him. The first thing that he says is “I see you with the red streaks in your hair.” (Note: I have a new hairstyle and added color for the first time. Also, I haven’t seen my granddad in months).

I smiled, thinking a compliment would follow (probably hoping one would). Anything from, “oh I like your hair, you look great or even a “are you losing weight” – a regular lie women tell each other. Nope, didn’t get that. What I did get is a “your face is getting wider”. I stood there confused, but in a very familiar place. I simply smiled and said “I am getting older that’s all”. He responded with “so that’s what it is” very sarcastically.

I gathered those familiar feelings, the hands of my two daughters and headed to the very back row of the church.  As I sat there listening to the sermon, well acting as though I was.  Not that I didn’t want to, but my 1-year-old daughter kept having a temper tantrum (that I have no clue on how to control or know where she gets it from; well maybe I do know where she gets it from). I went into a daze wandering about the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Looking through the congregation as they stood reciting the scripture he asked us to turn to, I floated to that familiar place I told you about earlier in the story.

A place I visit often:

Why are you so shy?

You are going to end up just like your mom (FYI: My mom is deceased)

Skeleton face

Big Feet

You’re getting fat

Why are you marrying her?

No one wants you – your father left and even though it wasn’t her choice, your mom left you too

You are a bad mom and a horrible wife

No one is going to hire you

You’re not smart enough

Are you crazy?

What is wrong with you?

I am not your real father

You think you are better than us

And the list can go on and on….Believe it or not, most of these are said by the person writing them down….ME!  I call this my scum pile.  All the things that Satan uses to remind me that I am nothing but Good!  And if he can’t get me to tell those lies to myself, he uses others in my life to say something as small as “your face is getting wider” to place me back in that scum pile where he says I came from and belong. He reminds me everyday that I am far from Good!

I forced a smile.  A victorious smile! You see I have been doing a lot of seeking God lately – from reading scriptures to Joseph Prince books and listening to a lot of Jamie Grace – her music gives me life. And from what I read and hear, it tells me I am Good!

Genesis 1:31 – Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that is was very Good!

I am learning to understand that if God said it, then it has to be true. He is my creator. He made me, this delicate, yet complicated creature that no one can duplicate or imitate as Good!

Psalms 139:13-17 – For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me,  When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Wow! That scripture speaks volumes as to how much our Heavenly Father loved us! He made this person, me to give Life to two beautiful daughters. He made this person to Love a man who admires her everyday and who she can love back authentically with the same Love she has experienced from Christ.  He made this fatherless girl his Daughter and I have accepted him as my Father and Mother.

Thank you Lord for Loving little ole me and having me! Now I can leave the scum where it is, under my feet. I can walk this Life with my Head High, My Chest stuck Out and Be Confident in Knowing Who I Am and Where I am Going.  I have found my identity in You.

And all I can say to that is AMEN!!!!

 

 

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