Life and Death

Posted: December 10, 2014 in Uncategorized
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I have recently reached what I call a milestone in my life; one that I dreaded and was very fearful to make. To make a long story short, my mom died of AIDS when I was 17. She died at the young age of 32 leaving behind 4 children and I was the oldest.  Because of her death, each year, I celebrated my birthday in sadness and fear that her doom (well what I believed doom was) would soon come knocking at my door. Death that is….

Not only that but I was just unhappy because she was gone and couldn’t be here to see how much I have accomplished or met her two beautiful granddaughters. I have struggled so much in my life…Nothing too major as far as life circumstances.  My life is pretty normal for what most people see with their human eyes and I try to keep it looking that way.  However, there was a constant battle going on deep inside. I was a prisoner in my own mind. I was far gone!  Far away from God and reality!  It was like I was going crazy from the imprisonment of my mind and there was no way out!

I prayed often! It didn’t work! I smiled in peoples’ faces, but when their backs were turned, I frowned in sadness and anger!  I hugged, even when I didn’t feel like loving any one including myself!  I spoke of God, but really didn’t know him or trust him!  I read the bible, but my mind was somewhere else!  I encouraged others, when I didn’t even believe that God could answer my own prays!  I dreamt dreams and talked about goals, but I knew that –  that was just it, wishful thinking!  I was lost!!!  So lost!!!!  I hated myself, life and my reality!  So much so that Suicide was always near and dear to me! Yep, the word everyone hates or is a shame to say or admit!

No one knew what I was dealing with!  I always say that it was like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere. There were times I just didn’t have the drive in me to get up and go. I wanted to stay in bed under my blankets in the dark and hide from the world.

But all of this changed, only within a few months. Growing up, my mom taught us about God. We went to church every day of the week, prayed together before bed, and read the bible together daily. We did all of that, but it did nothing for me! However, not until recently.

One day, I was at home lying in bed and I wanted to really read the bible, not just read, I wanted to understand it and actually grow from what I read. I prayed that night for God to lead me to a chapter that would apply to me. One that would help me. That didn’t happen.

The next day I went to a Goodwill store, not to buy or book, I had forgot about my pray that night. I went to shop for my girls’ some clothes. I walked over the book section to get books for them. And I came across a Joseph Prince book “Destined to Reign”. I bought it! And read it that night. I couldn’t put it down!

This book opened up my lost eyes to who God really is!  It washed me clean and my thoughts. Instead of me believing God was this big angry man who is always wanting to punish me. I saw him as my loving Father, even when I make mistakes. I learned about his Love and that he is Love. I learned about forgiveness and peace. I learned that I am a new creature in him and old things are past away.

The more I read the book, the more I started to seek after Christ daily. I struggled and still do with those things that hunted me, but because I finally understand his Love for me – it changed everything!!!!  I mean everything!!!!!!!!!  I walk and live in his Love! I appreciate me, flaws, and failures!  I can truly do things in my life because of him and me finally understanding him and who he is.

I fell in Love that day! And I have been head over heels since!!!!   I am reminded of a verse in a Jamie Grace song. It goes like this “I heard you were good, but this is more than I expected”!!!   She is soo right!  I heard God was Good growing up by listening to and watching my mom experience him, but to experience his Love, his being for myself, I cannot explain this feeling!  It’s so overwhelming and powerful!  It touches the very core of my heart!

So with all that being said, my birthday was on December 8th.  I turned 32, the age my mom died.  God was preparing me for that day I believe in the previous months. So on that day, I was able to celebrate in Peace, Love and Serenity for the first time since she died.

My mom gave me Life when she introduced Christ to me at such a young age because I rely on him heavily each day to make it through my Life. That is what I am soo thankful for on my birthday. I found my Life in Christ and that is something I celebrate! I have never been more alive than I am at 32 in my Life!

Praise God for his life saving Grace and thank you mom for introducing me to the Love of my Life at the mere age of 4, my Heavenly Father!

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!


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